The Wandering Christian

Ahh it feels good to back in front of a computer screen typing . After many a week of academically induced slumber I am back putting thoughts to digital paper. This is definitely not the blog post I was expecting to write, but this is what flowed, it is personal, it is honest, it is me. I wanted to open with a snippet of lyrics from As Cities Burn:

 

"Hearts aren't really our guides.
We are truly alone.
'Cause God ain't up in the sky,
Holding together our bones.

Remember we used to speak.
Now I'm starting to think,
Your voice was really my own,
Bouncing off the ceiling back to me.

God, this can't be.
God, this can't be,
God, could it be that all we see is it?"

 

This passage of lyrics literally haunt me from time to time depending on where my head is, and has slowly become an albatross attached to my soul, unable to be thrown off. There is something about the honesty of the human experience expressed in them that is hard to deny and shake off as incorrect. I can tell you many Christ followers struggle with disbelief, whether they would openly admit it or not. In some ways, the Christian faith is a bit crazy to a human mind who seeks to control and understand everything. We get eternal life and forgiveness of transgressions by accepting the belief that Christ is God and came to save us. In a purely transactional way, that is hard to say no to, however, our logical minds find a way (mainly through doubt, and alcohol). Thus these lyrics speak to that area of my heart that I fear God cannot take away, but I also enjoy (what a predicament). I see some health to questioning God as a Christ follower. I think it gives a potency to a faith and strength in belief, without doubt to sharpen the truth in Christ, you just end up with stagnant beliefs with no true understanding of them like in the case of many atheists and misguided christians (questioning nothing, and accepting falsehood as truth). I think more Christ followers could use an increase in doubting, questioning, and  theological wrestling matches with what seems to be concerte truth on Sunday morning. With that being said, there is a responsible way to dig into the more mirky areas of the Christian faith, and a way that is essentially playing golf in a lightning storm (you will eventually get electrocuted, just before getting that hole-in-one). Scripture is the best interpretation of scripture, and making conclusions about it should be made with caution and not with your own interests in mind (see: heresy).

 

The problem for me then becomes when a simple apologetic exercise such as doubt sticks and creates a real crisis of faith. I've suffered many waves of this attack, and have overcome them each time, but in the moments in between I have wondered if I might succumb to my doubt, as there are times my faith seems less than certain. There is an undeniable piece to my psyche that tells me my doubts (biblical inconsistencies, miraculous occurances, etc) are equally valid  as my faith is. It becomes as simple as saying to myself "what if God doesn't exist, it seems incredibly possibly it is just a human fallacy". Questions such as these become especially more difficult when many churches have no follow up when tough questions arise. They are either unequipped to deal with them or afraid of going there and not having a definite "right" answer. The more and more I wrestle with this I discover that faith in Christ is an increasingly messy, confusing, and frustrating process (after all, Christ did not promise an easy road). This realization plays directly into my pre-Christ self that refuses to relent and bow to Christ, and lives to fight another day when I look into areas where my faith is still weak because of doubt.

 

We all rebel against God whether intentionally or not, our hearts due to sin are built to hate God, but for me rebellion is a part of my personality (See: Punk Rock). Now I am to the point that I wonder what it will take for God's truths to be truely written on my heart, and not in dry erase marker, but chiseled there. There is a subvertive part of my heart that seeks rebellion in all areas, and that includes submitting to God and becoming a truely new creation. But also fighting against the righteousness of God is the secular arguments I absorbed growing up. I can see the logic in doubting God and all of the points that seek to poke holes in the narrative of Christ and any number of other areas. I am a scientist and a logical creature at the core (thanks Star Trek!) so the giant illogical entity known as God seems like a fallacy, but IT IS NOT. I hope through all of this God is working, and one day will take my wandering heart and make it one after his own, as this process of doubt is wearing because at the end of the day I don't wish to be the wandering Christian I have become.