Where are the men?

My favorite band in the world Thrice released a new album last week "Palms". The lyrics speak eloquently on being tired of hatred, bigotry, and division that persist in the world, especially in the US. One song in particular has the chorus of "...and I'm not gonna sit in the dark anymore...". This is powerful not only because of the social justice focus of equality that has been a part of the American political landscape over the last year, but because it speaks to me, a middle class white boy who has a voice people listen to not because it's more valid but because I am white (racism at its finest). I have so many anxieties about so many things, and I struggle daily to feel that I have a voice, and to speak up about my own thoughts. I doubt myself and my opinions and the desire for others to hear them. However, today in the wake of reading the story of Melisa Reidy, the ex-wife of baseball player Addison Russell. I am no longer willing to sit and say nothing about my anger and fury about stories like this. I have a voice, and I will use it.


After reading the story of Ms. Reidy, Addison Russell's ex-wife today I felt so much anger about the cycle of what she went through, and how it can ruin lives and devastates families. But I also felt a sense of powerlessness, in this being such a common issue that seems to continue to persist in the world. I feel frustration in the fact that not only is it an situation that impacts women, but is one that is not their fault, but ultimately they get the blame when its discussed in the public forum. "Why didn't they say anything? why didn't they leave?". These are bullshit questions, plain and simple. Please educate yourself on trauma and learn how it impacts people before uttering these types of blaming questions.


 However, while reading her account of her abuse I immediately thought of an interview that Patrick Stewart happened to be giving at a comicon-like event and he gave such a thoughtful and thorough response to a specific question. The quote: "The people who could do most to improve the situation of so many women and children are in fact--Men" - Patrick Stewart. This quote still profoundly hits me to this day years after first hearing it.


If the cycle of violence and abuse is to end, it is MEN who need to end it. I am beyond tired of hearing the excuses, the gaslighting, and the blame shifting of men who hurt women and children. Stop blaming others for your failures and insecurities and take responsibility for your life and your actions.


As a professionally licensed therapist, sadly, Ms. Reidy's story is not a new one for me to hear. I have heard so many women relay their stories and how they have been abused, beaten, silenced, and controlled by men. As I read her account it checked all the boxes for domestic violence that I listen for in clients (now referred to as Intimate Partner Violence). The cycle of the abuse, the apologizing, the pleadings for forgiveness and promises of change, and then the return to the abuse somewhat without warning. The emotions that impact me the most are when given the experiences from their partner of anger, blame, and abuse women have no choice but to feel responsible and at fault because why else would someone we are supposed to love hurt us? hurt their children? It is devastating to me to know that anyone should ever feel at fault for an assault on them.


I had a moment recently in a group that I was running which was focused on substance abuse and mental health issues that co-occur. I took a quick tally and every single female who was in the group was a victim of domestic violence. It was almost a normal part of their life. What struck me is, if it wasn't for men trying to control them, they would not have the issues they were there for. If you don't have a man telling you that you are stupid, and worthless, you don't have low self-esteem. If you don't have a man blaming you for his problems, and then also you blaming you for your problems, you don't have people who use substances to erase that pain and shame. If it wasn't for men, how many women in the world would have not had to experience the horrors and terror they have endured?


The other part of the group that struck me was there were 6 women and 2 men in that group. If women are reaching out and working to move past the hurts and wrongs in their life, where are the men?