Where are the men?

My favorite band in the world Thrice released a new album last week "Palms". The lyrics speak eloquently on being tired of hatred, bigotry, and division that persist in the world, especially in the US. One song in particular has the chorus of "...and I'm not gonna sit in the dark anymore...". This is powerful not only because of the social justice focus of equality that has been a part of the American political landscape over the last year, but because it speaks to me, a middle class white boy who has a voice people listen to not because it's more valid but because I am white (racism at its finest). I have so many anxieties about so many things, and I struggle daily to feel that I have a voice, and to speak up about my own thoughts. I doubt myself and my opinions and the desire for others to hear them. However, today in the wake of reading the story of Melisa Reidy, the ex-wife of baseball player Addison Russell. I am no longer willing to sit and say nothing about my anger and fury about stories like this. I have a voice, and I will use it.


After reading the story of Ms. Reidy, Addison Russell's ex-wife today I felt so much anger about the cycle of what she went through, and how it can ruin lives and devastates families. But I also felt a sense of powerlessness, in this being such a common issue that seems to continue to persist in the world. I feel frustration in the fact that not only is it an situation that impacts women, but is one that is not their fault, but ultimately they get the blame when its discussed in the public forum. "Why didn't they say anything? why didn't they leave?". These are bullshit questions, plain and simple. Please educate yourself on trauma and learn how it impacts people before uttering these types of blaming questions.


 However, while reading her account of her abuse I immediately thought of an interview that Patrick Stewart happened to be giving at a comicon-like event and he gave such a thoughtful and thorough response to a specific question. The quote: "The people who could do most to improve the situation of so many women and children are in fact--Men" - Patrick Stewart. This quote still profoundly hits me to this day years after first hearing it.


If the cycle of violence and abuse is to end, it is MEN who need to end it. I am beyond tired of hearing the excuses, the gaslighting, and the blame shifting of men who hurt women and children. Stop blaming others for your failures and insecurities and take responsibility for your life and your actions.


As a professionally licensed therapist, sadly, Ms. Reidy's story is not a new one for me to hear. I have heard so many women relay their stories and how they have been abused, beaten, silenced, and controlled by men. As I read her account it checked all the boxes for domestic violence that I listen for in clients (now referred to as Intimate Partner Violence). The cycle of the abuse, the apologizing, the pleadings for forgiveness and promises of change, and then the return to the abuse somewhat without warning. The emotions that impact me the most are when given the experiences from their partner of anger, blame, and abuse women have no choice but to feel responsible and at fault because why else would someone we are supposed to love hurt us? hurt their children? It is devastating to me to know that anyone should ever feel at fault for an assault on them.


I had a moment recently in a group that I was running which was focused on substance abuse and mental health issues that co-occur. I took a quick tally and every single female who was in the group was a victim of domestic violence. It was almost a normal part of their life. What struck me is, if it wasn't for men trying to control them, they would not have the issues they were there for. If you don't have a man telling you that you are stupid, and worthless, you don't have low self-esteem. If you don't have a man blaming you for his problems, and then also you blaming you for your problems, you don't have people who use substances to erase that pain and shame. If it wasn't for men, how many women in the world would have not had to experience the horrors and terror they have endured?


The other part of the group that struck me was there were 6 women and 2 men in that group. If women are reaching out and working to move past the hurts and wrongs in their life, where are the men?

Best of 2013 in Music

I have always made an attempt in the the last 5-10 years to make a yearly best of list for the music I have listened to that was released that year. I finally decided to share that list in blog form (its the cool thing to do anyway). Before perusing the list, I will say I don't have a universal focus of music styles, this is definitely a refined focus on the indie/emo/punk/rock scene and not to be confused with a rolling stone or other generic media source best of list (i.e. Arcade Fire will not be #1 on this list). For me 2013 was the year of nostalgic bands releasing incredibly solid offerings that reminded why I was a fan of them in the first place after setting them aside for shiner models along the way.

Starting at #10...



# 9

Norma Jean - Wrongdoers.

I can say I haven't truly picked up a Norma Jean album since 2006's Redeemer. My interest in metalcore and hardcore overall has wained as I have picked up other types of music and mellowed out (lame I know, can't be a hardcore kid forever). However with 2013s Wrongdoers, Norma Jean have created something that grabbed my attention and never let go of it. A strong release from start to finish I was glad I picked up this album as it showed me Norma Jean still can thrown down and do so in a new way that pushed them creatively and sonically.

The Strokes - Countdown Machine

While in someways this album was a departure from the Strokes traditional signature groove, that has been in flux since the experimentaion on 2011s Angles. Some couldn't connect with Countdown Machine's tweaks (see one way trigger), but I really identified with this album almost immediately. There is just something unique and catchy about almost every song on this album, and it had a high replay value for me all year. There is an unbalanced nature to the flow of the songs, but for me I loved the variety and the transistions from songs like 80s Comedown Machine to the distortion punk vibe of 50/50.
    

                       # 8                      

Jimmy Eat World - Damages

While initially when this album was released I thought the album art was created by an 8 year old, the music contained on this album was quite the opposite. Jimmy Eat World has grown into a band that is incredibly consistent in their music and even if they never usurp the brillance found on Clarity/Bleed American, you can't deny how enjoyable a listen they are.  Damages fits in nicely to JEW's discography and turns down the polished pop feel from Invented and focuses on what Jimmy does best, write catchy pop songs about heartbreak and life. Songs like the opener Appreciation will remind why JEW is as far in their career as they are, and stand out songs like Lean and No, Never reminded me of how JEW can impress with less, while focusing on their softer side.


                    # 7

 Alkaline Trio - My Shame is True

Yet another album that was a suprise stand out to me this year. I have not given Alkaline Trio much attention since Good Mourning. But from the opening of She Lied to the FBI it was apparent this album was going to be something all together different. There is such a nostalgic feel to this album that is unique to Alkaline Trio's dark sound while offering a great modern punk vibe that is incredibly enjoyable and novel. The first single and standout song I Want to be a Warhol is a stellar example of this. From guest vocals on I, Pessimist to the ballads Only Love and Midnight Blue this album is solid from front to back, and was in heavy rotation this summer (and beyond). There is an energy and confidence found on this album that is undeniable and true to the heart of who Alkaline Trio are as a band.


                     # 6

The Reign of Kindo - Play With Fire

This band on its worst days are simply miles above most music being created in the world today bar none. With their 2013 effort Play With Fire they stretch their jazzy roots farther into modern and contemporary jazz sounds and leave their indie rock roots behind. While on songs like Sing When No Ones Around, and Impossible World shine high above, the album as a whole doesn't quite reach the same heights. I love the bands reckless abandon addressing their faith and beliefs in the open lyrically and love hearing Jazzy christian songs, there is really nothing better than that (Until the #2 spot). While previous fans of the band's efforts may be underwhelmed by this album as it lacks the real punch of those albums, I commend the band for sticking their neck out and releasing an album that is experimental, but still fun and enjoyable as the TROK have always been. Honestly, with LP3 I can only be appreciative, as I am for any album beyond their first, as I highly feared the band wouldn't be able to sustain themselves long enough to continue to produce music. Reign of Kindo keep doing what you are doing and I will be here for you (also please press your discography on vinyl :-)



                      # 5

A Great Big Pile of Leaves - You're Always On My Mind

Starting the top 5 off right, its A Great Big Pile of Leaves. I can't imagine a better album cover representing the feel of a record so perfectly. Plain brown with an silly but playful menu of snack items. This is AGBPOF and they will soulfully rock you while being incredibly strange and fun sonically and lyrically (song titles such as snack attack, pet mouse, and pizzanomics). You're Always on my Mind is a smooth and energetic ride that is perfect for summer car rides or rainy fall days ("Where did the summer go?"). While the vocals never quite hit the same vibrance as their last album and support the chill and reserved vibe of the album, the improvement in the insanely infectious groove and guitar riffs are more than worth it. While other albums on the this list I love for something specific or nostalgia, this album shines in just being unique and enjoyable. There is no way to listen to this album and not feel like you just hung out with your best friends or played on the floor with cast for an hour.


                    # 4

Russian Circles - Memorial

I have always appreciated Russian Circles for simply doing what they do no apologies or fluff, also for their consistently short album titles. This was a late addition to the list as it was released at the end of the year, but what a splash it made. Russian Circles with this release establish (if it hasn't already been) how strong of a band technically and creatively they are. While they may always be compared to Pelican due to similar sounds generally, I can't imagine any more clear differences with this album. Continuing on with the traditions of Enter and Geneva, this album simple melts faces with its metal intensity and a post-rock backdrop that is undeniably lush and poignant. Memorial makes good memories and great emotions in each track, while making the listner beg for 1 more song, as this album clocks in at a too quick 37 minutes just as it begins to hit its stride.


                      # 3

Saves the Day - Saves the Day

Nicknamed "The Grapefruit Album" (for obvious reasons) this record showcased why everyone should love Saves the Day by now. I was suprised by how consistent and tight this album sounds musically. Chris Conley really makes it happen this time around. A great breath of fresh air after completing their three album arc with 2011's Daybreak. Saves the Day goes the self-titled route and creates one of their most solid and enjoyable albums to date. I couldn't help but acknowledge how easy Conley and Co. make it sound to create such fun power-pop punk with punch that is intricate but still accessable and so catchy your ears might fall off. Saves the Day have proved with this album they haven't lost a step despite myriad of member changes and musical shifts in sound over the years. This is the album that says we've been here awhile, and we are staying awhile, now sit back and relax.


                    # 2

Dustin Kensrue - The Water & the Blood

While this album was increadibly polarizing for fans of Dustin Kensrue's music, as a Christian this release was an absolute joy. Dustin's goal of spicing up and creating great music that has a worship basis is hit out of the park with the Water & the Blood. If I heard this music every sunday I would be so much more enthusiastic about worship music as a whole. There are moments I can hear Thrice on this album which makes me giddy, but between the first two songs, Rejoice and Rock of Ages this record soars while maintaining the intensity of reverance needed to worship Christ the King. There are moments in almost every track I forget I am listening to worship music and realize the genius and artistry of Kensrue's work and get lost in just praising God along with the lyrics. Honestly, there is nothing stronger or more potent in music than that connection between listener and artist, and with this album you can't miss it. This is an essential album for any Christian looking to worship God through music.


                    # 1

Moving Mountains - Moving Mountains

This album literally came out of nowhere. It had been in production for quite awhile, finally got a release date and was released in an uncermonious way. However, this is Moving Mountains masterpiece which is fitting for a band's final release. Moving Mountains has always had a special place in my musical library and every release has been something unique and wonderously creative. The journey through Pneuma all the way to their final breath on Moving Mountains is spectacular, and I hope this band has a true legacy within the scene for years to come. This album hits perfectly (and with its fall release was the essential fall listen). Every single song has an overflow of warmth emotion, and intensity (despite the omission of Greg's usual gutteral screams). Moving Mountains have found away to focus their sound and their energy into nine perfect arrangements and push you into a space filled with pain, love, loss, and joy and after the final note drops, you immediately miss it.

Passing the Baggage

Wow, well I took a bit of a break from blogging, looked up at the clock and realized it had been almost a year, good work procrastination. It's crazy to think how since the time I last posted, fall out boy has made a comeback, two of my favorite bands, Thrice and Underoath have gone the way of the dinosaurs, we've elected a president (yet again),  I have somehow managed to turn 26 (against my best efforts), and most importantly am approaching the final stretch of my master's program (and a bunch of other stuff that is has happened but this is a blog not a scrapbook...that's pintrest). With all that is serious going on in my life right now, job prospects, following leads, and other adulty and responsible-like things, I sometimes just need a second to be a kid again, and an unbearably lame joke maker (thank you Gina for dealing with my child I have locked inside of me for these occassions, it's not easy, I know).

Speaking of children...there are days I feel like I have no honest idea how to talk or communicate with one of "them" which is entirely confusing as 15-20 years ago I was one: dirty hands and wide eyed. How does one forget how to truly be a kid and think like a kid (I think my heart really is dying). There have been times in working with kid clients I have felt as though I was studying some strange new life form that spoke jibberish and was entirely illogical (all true characterisitics, however). As we grow closer and closer to starting our family, I always wonder what in the world I have to offer a little Meeks with tiny toes and fingers...and later, emotions and feelings and stuff (sigh, already exhausted thinking about it). With that time coming sooner and sooner I wanted to discuss many parents fears..."Am I going to mess this kid up?" The answer is YES!(DISCLAIMER, I am not a parent, and am presenting my ideas and insights, and not pretending to be a parenting guru of some sort)... We are all incredibly broken messed up people ( I know this, because I am one too). The good news is that asking if you will mess your kid up is the wrong approach, the correct thought is how MUCH will I mess my kid up (unfortunately there is not an App for that measurement, c'mon Apple). Under the best intentions and attempts to find the best parenting style and make your kid a superstar (and making sure everyone knows it) you can't escape being human who has biases, challenges and well baggage from our own youth (thanks mom and dad). No matter how much we try and try to avoid any mistake or any misstep as a parent and making sure our kids feel loved every second of everyday, you are going to make a mistake and going to misstep at somepoint, it's all apart of the experience. This isn't to say you shouldn't do your own work as a person and find out your woundings and pains from your own parents (we all have them whether you want to admit it or not). I have been in counseling for these issues and have done counseling with others for them, and I guarantee you I will still make my kids have their own personalized issues.   This isn't to say that it is ok to make bad parenting decisions or avoid making good choices for your kids, but know consciously or unconsciously you will have a few chinks in your parenting armor you can't be perfect parents, because we aren't perfect people (The perfectionists reading this can breathe easy now). I know lots of parents who are great and amazing parents to their kids and due to their child's temperment and personality and just random events, are a challenge and they are left wondering what did I do wrong as a parent? What could I have done better? What else could I have done? Ultimately, is this my fault? The answer is No (for the most part). You love too much and hold them too close and they resent having lived in a bubble and resent how much you loved them. You try to teach them your loves and your values and they feel like they never got to think for themselves. I could go on and on, with ways I've heard kids resent the very good and healthy ways parents have raised and loved their kids. This is the nature of parenting, avoiding pain or mistakes is a catch 22, because even in trying to avoid it, you cause it still.

However, in someways it's truly empowering as we get to (if we desire) to choose the specific way we will mess up our kid(s). At the end of the day I am a counselor so I know at least know he or she will always have the proper referrals if needed. Closing thoughts, parents don't fear, your kid will grow up and feel like there was someway you failed them and did not meet their needs...that's OK and is quite normal. If you didn't have a kid who had his own scaring and wounding he wouldn't find the need for a savior to fill those holes, Jesus is great like that. At the end of the day, your child's struggles are not a direct correlation of your failures as a parent they are the somewhat natural process of passing down the baggage.

Nothing Dreadful Ever Happens

I have slept through most of this week with little purpose or plan since I have had the week off (terrible I know). But I have come to ponder about the subject of living out a gospel-filled life focused on compassion  (when not completely wasting my educated mind). It is a topic that is similiar to what my church has been focusing on in a series and I think it is worth struggling through to understand. What I have composed here is an updated and modified version of an essay I spontaneously wrote many years ago (maybe like 3?). The purpose behind what was written was to show that in understanding the struggles of those in this world, a deeper understanding of the gospel is found full of love, compassion, and sacrifice. This post is essentially the clip show episode of any sitcom (where old material is used to suppliment an entire episode) despite how lame that generally is, I promise this will be less lame:

As I drove home tonight I was able to see heat lightning in the distance from the clouds above. It was interesting to me to think how similar the flashes of light from cloud to cloud could be mistaken for far away bombs and gunfire going off. I know that is a little bit of a stretch, but sometimes I like to think of my life as interesting or at the very least a struggle (despite how much I don’t). It is that lack of struggle in my life that I began reflecting on as I continued to drive. I am not referring to a lack of internal struggle or necessarily any struggle, of that I have. I am referring to a struggle most in this and many industrialized countries will rarely ever see. Poverty and strife has its place in society and despite the best efforts, will most likely persist long into the future; it is sadly a condition necessary. But for the vast majority of the people in the world, the populous that has a voice, has a choice, and has the ability to see those who are struggling and say enough is enough and act, most would rather sit by and numbly ignore them. I am reminded of a lyric I am fond of, “They are sick, they are poor, and they die by the thousands, and we look away…cause we don’t have the time, here at the top of the world”. It is this mindset that I abhor and as a human and Christian look upon with utter frustration (though I participate in frequently).

Now, this all started about a thought about distant heat lighting and an overactive imagination about bombs and war. Where does struggle come into its place? Don’t worry we will get there. As a Christian it is difficult to see the state of the world and the state of the people in it. Granted I don’t want to see wealth and riches brought to the masses who are invisible, starving, and dying. I want to see love, peace, and life instilled instead. Yet, I look at the church in this country and compare it with stories from those in other countries, like Iraq and China. These countries are not known for their benevolence or their charity. More specifically they have very little love for Christians and their practices. Yet, despite being persecuted, killed, and generally not treated well, I see the juxtaposition of the American church by comparison which is enamored with wealth, safety, and a voice in politics, if that isn’t a crazy idea. Instead of being persecuted by their government because of their faith, Christians in the U.S. actually have a partial hand the government. I have one thing to say about this seemingly obvious gap between American churches and struggle-torn ones, which one works? Which one is God with us? Paul makes it very clear in his epistles the promise of struggle in a Christian’s life, yet the fire of struggle that fuels so many Christians around the world, is wholly absent in this country. In fact most go out of their way to avoid struggle or in any way feeling uncomfortable in living out the gospel and loving those around them. Where a general feeling of Malaise should arise in these situations there is only a shrug of apathy. Are we truly that unloving and cold as a body of believers?

 I am a Christian because I follow Christ; I am not a Christian because I follow the church. At this moment I would be saddened to be following the state of the church in this country. Granted again, that is a huge generalization, and there are many God loving and God honoring churches in this country, however, they are not the ones with a voice or the power, as it should be. So, struggle? Where is it? That is my question, and my point. It is my belief that struggle is a necessary requirement for Christians to flourish. To me suffering and struggle create perseverance and perseverance creates a strong faith and trust in God. Those with the least generally seem the happiest with what they have (and not surprising tends to struggle the most). Without the first part of the equation we as a church fail to live compassionate lives that include sacrifice, rather it’s easier without understanding struggle to just take care of our own.  Unfortunately it is a quality that is apparent in the modern, consumerized, money hungry, and society of saturation we live in. Yes, Americans struggle, on September 11 2001 Americans struggled, when an employee loses his job and ends up homeless and falls through society’s cracks, Americans struggle. But as a society that pales in comparison to struggle around the world on a day to day basis. What would happen if your life became more like a Chinese Christian? Would your faith grow or fall away? I would hope Job is an example in that situation. The desert brothers and the martyrs of the early church set the example. Don’t be apart of the world, and if necessary stand up and take the lashing for Christ’s gift. Faith has an infinite ceiling when mixed with oppression and strife. You want to see the American church follow Christ more deeply? Watch what would happen if bible studies were illegal, gathering in worship would be illegal, if proclaiming one was a Christian meant jail time. If those things were true you would roughly have the conditions many brothers and sisters in Christ experience on a regular basis around the world. I am not saying we should push for an oppressive dictatorship so we as Christians can have it like the good ole days, I am saying this: struggle. Make life less comfortable. Don’t quest for what will make life easier, struggle to find what will challenge it. We are not supposed to be playing by the world’s rules in the first place, so let go of them. If we can’t be in struggling conditions, bring them to you. I am not saying live on the streets, become an anarchist, or become a religious extremist, but call the status quo into question. Ask not what you can do for the world, but what God can use you to do in it, regardless of the consequences.

(Easier said than done I'm afraid).

Growing Up: What we leave behind

I have been thinking a lot about the future lately, the future that might be, and the future that could have been. For me the future includes pictures of family and friends, but also my career. I feel like also to many, the future includes a heavy emphasis on a job or "career" as the cornerstone to their desires and hopes (I mean going to college means you get the job of your dreams right?). It is interesting how that despite how incredibly vocationally focused our culture is (people are known for their jobs rather than who they are as people), we spend so little time thinking about the importance of selecting it. I tend to wonder about the dreams we had as kids and what happened to them? At what we imagined we could be before we were taught that dreams are foolish and told we are limited to our perceived skills rather than our potential.
Growing up I wanted to be a fireman, a marine biologist, and my personal favorite an egyptologist (all before the age of 10 no less). I also always wanted to be a toy-r-us kid forever. But what did you want to be when you grew up? Now what do you want to be now? (I ended up becoming a counselor so go figure). However, is the better question here what do you wish you could do now? Is there a difference or incongruency still between the two? Certainly. But all too often I feel that people get "stuck" in a career and end up looking back and wishing things were in a different place as if the pieces in the puzzle got put in the wrong order. This does not necessarily mean people can't happenstance into a job they would have never wanted for themselves and end up loving it despite its lack of initial appeal because that happens and can be a great blessing. However, at what point does having a more "realistic" trajectory become more important than doing something your heart loves (this is always the conflict in plotlines involving parents and their art major college students). I've heard too many students who take a major career path because of the perceived outcome later (high paying job) and have no heart in what they do beyond the paycheck or the ease in getting a job. (Can you blame them though? America(ns) loves their money and prestige).  But I feel like more and more there are those walking around that look back and think of the job they really would have loved to do, but didn't because it wasn't practical or not high paying enough... (this is not to say the economy always works the way you would like it to when you make leap of faith in a career-path, which makes job selections incredibly complicated at times, but sometimes...it isn't). I agree that money is important, but it is only a means to an end and not an end itself. So while you shouldn't turn down a job or go after a career that has a high payday, that shouldn't be the lone driving force either. If you could have any job in the world, regardless of pay, location, or education, what would it be? Is it a high paying job?

"When you grow up, your heart dies" says the sad and unhopeful voice of allie sheedy in the breakfast club. This has been a phrase that has replayed in my head as I have grown up and even now. I thought for so long this was true, and inevitable, you get older and the things you thought were important when you younger disappear and are considered unimportant. I think in a lot of ways this is true for many, you graduate college or find a job, and you no longer have the time or brainspace for thinking about "childish" things, life tends to make sure of that. That makes me sad to think about. In the end I think sorting out a career or a job can really be benefited with a little imagination and creativity that our hearts used to contain, which is ironic given those ideals are the first thing that goes out the window in the "real" world. I remember being anxious for months before graduating high school in figuring out the trajectory of my WHOLE life (being dramatic is part of being a teenager right?). I felt capable in taking multiple career paths, but couldn't decide which one was "me", not which one would make me the richest or which one would be the easiest to swallow, but which one would make the me inside happy (that's the real trick isn't it though?). I ended up deciding on one that I could not just live with, but that would fulfill me, and continue to challenge me with the skills I had and since then I haven't looked back or regretted a single moment (God really blessed me here, and these results are not guaranteed, selecting a career is a process).

The job you may love may not be the job that comes to mind first or second, or fiftith and the skills you have may not be immediately applicable to a job you are aware of, but I think looking inside at the kid you left behind year ago might serve you well in that quest, after all the world could use a little more childish fearlessness and hope and not just in the area of vocation, but all across the board in our lives.

The Wandering Christian

Ahh it feels good to back in front of a computer screen typing . After many a week of academically induced slumber I am back putting thoughts to digital paper. This is definitely not the blog post I was expecting to write, but this is what flowed, it is personal, it is honest, it is me. I wanted to open with a snippet of lyrics from As Cities Burn:

 

"Hearts aren't really our guides.
We are truly alone.
'Cause God ain't up in the sky,
Holding together our bones.

Remember we used to speak.
Now I'm starting to think,
Your voice was really my own,
Bouncing off the ceiling back to me.

God, this can't be.
God, this can't be,
God, could it be that all we see is it?"

 

This passage of lyrics literally haunt me from time to time depending on where my head is, and has slowly become an albatross attached to my soul, unable to be thrown off. There is something about the honesty of the human experience expressed in them that is hard to deny and shake off as incorrect. I can tell you many Christ followers struggle with disbelief, whether they would openly admit it or not. In some ways, the Christian faith is a bit crazy to a human mind who seeks to control and understand everything. We get eternal life and forgiveness of transgressions by accepting the belief that Christ is God and came to save us. In a purely transactional way, that is hard to say no to, however, our logical minds find a way (mainly through doubt, and alcohol). Thus these lyrics speak to that area of my heart that I fear God cannot take away, but I also enjoy (what a predicament). I see some health to questioning God as a Christ follower. I think it gives a potency to a faith and strength in belief, without doubt to sharpen the truth in Christ, you just end up with stagnant beliefs with no true understanding of them like in the case of many atheists and misguided christians (questioning nothing, and accepting falsehood as truth). I think more Christ followers could use an increase in doubting, questioning, and  theological wrestling matches with what seems to be concerte truth on Sunday morning. With that being said, there is a responsible way to dig into the more mirky areas of the Christian faith, and a way that is essentially playing golf in a lightning storm (you will eventually get electrocuted, just before getting that hole-in-one). Scripture is the best interpretation of scripture, and making conclusions about it should be made with caution and not with your own interests in mind (see: heresy).

 

The problem for me then becomes when a simple apologetic exercise such as doubt sticks and creates a real crisis of faith. I've suffered many waves of this attack, and have overcome them each time, but in the moments in between I have wondered if I might succumb to my doubt, as there are times my faith seems less than certain. There is an undeniable piece to my psyche that tells me my doubts (biblical inconsistencies, miraculous occurances, etc) are equally valid  as my faith is. It becomes as simple as saying to myself "what if God doesn't exist, it seems incredibly possibly it is just a human fallacy". Questions such as these become especially more difficult when many churches have no follow up when tough questions arise. They are either unequipped to deal with them or afraid of going there and not having a definite "right" answer. The more and more I wrestle with this I discover that faith in Christ is an increasingly messy, confusing, and frustrating process (after all, Christ did not promise an easy road). This realization plays directly into my pre-Christ self that refuses to relent and bow to Christ, and lives to fight another day when I look into areas where my faith is still weak because of doubt.

 

We all rebel against God whether intentionally or not, our hearts due to sin are built to hate God, but for me rebellion is a part of my personality (See: Punk Rock). Now I am to the point that I wonder what it will take for God's truths to be truely written on my heart, and not in dry erase marker, but chiseled there. There is a subvertive part of my heart that seeks rebellion in all areas, and that includes submitting to God and becoming a truely new creation. But also fighting against the righteousness of God is the secular arguments I absorbed growing up. I can see the logic in doubting God and all of the points that seek to poke holes in the narrative of Christ and any number of other areas. I am a scientist and a logical creature at the core (thanks Star Trek!) so the giant illogical entity known as God seems like a fallacy, but IT IS NOT. I hope through all of this God is working, and one day will take my wandering heart and make it one after his own, as this process of doubt is wearing because at the end of the day I don't wish to be the wandering Christian I have become. 

the Digital age, too much info not enough thinking

I've been pondering about the digital age, and my place in it recently. My wife and I just gained some cred in the digital age by getting our first smartphones. First it is odd to feel that we may have been "behind" in some way prior to this acquisition. As if culture had passed us by and we were the technological equivalent of a monkey rubbing sticks together (thanks apple for making me feel uncool). But the more I thought about it the more I realized this is the way of the world. Change always comes, you adapt to it, or allow yourself to be left behind by it. The same is true with the digital age. However, I feel that in some ways we are losing something real in the switch to 1s and 0s.

 More specifically this is the pattern I had noticed in my own choices in slowly switching over, but there is part of me that is unwilling to let go of my pre-digital self ("analog boy in a digital world"). I have a kindle to read, an ipod to listen to music, netflix to watch television, but do all of these digital things have the same essence as their analog compadres? The same feelings of ownership? I find myself resisting the switch because there is a tangible connection to analog things, it's a mindset for me. The feel of a book, the hum of a record, the honesty in a conversation, these are all things that are real, lucid, and true. I don't find the same truth in their digital counterparts, they seem rather shallow in comparison. Do you feel the same way in talking to an old friend on facebook as you do hanging out and catching up? At what point are we giving up on real honest connection for what is the going replacement for it? God made us for relationships (with humans, NOT computers) and I think technology masquerading as relationship cheapens that gift. I think in making the digital switch we as consumers, and more importantly as humans are giving up a lot. While I see technology as a good thing, it is more akin to a tool like any other invention than a social revolution. Thus, it is not a direct replacement for the activities it seeks to make easier (or circumvent). While the social network has the ability to spread information quickly, this ability has some downsides when it is the only resource some seek out. So it is surprising to me how many rely for news and updates from twitter posts and facebook statuses and form opinions and values from them without any outside information or research. Closing thought: There is a reason internet usage/computer usage can be classified as a process addiction. The need for instant gratification technology brings is rewiring brains (Wired article). The internet and technology are wonderful tools for education, communication, and information gathering however, but when taken as the new normal, they leave us with a breadth of knowledge but a lack of depth.

This whole idea is well discussed in the following blog discussing the Kony 2012 debacle and the spread of social media in replacement for actual thinking and logical reasoning.